I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That was before I lit my hair on fire
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
