guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
