I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
