Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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