if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize