I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
