Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
