So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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