Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
