How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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