I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
