you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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