He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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