I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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