When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
