Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
