Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
