They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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