so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
