i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
