i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
