i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
