that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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