If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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