god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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