Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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