I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
