He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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