My liver just broke up with me...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize