ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
