One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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