No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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