Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
