You can't motorboat a personality
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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