While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
