i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
