fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
