I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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