I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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