Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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