At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
is wine microwaveable?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
