Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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