Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
