we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
