worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
