no one should ever give us hovercrafts
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
