just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize