STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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