My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
