even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
