We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize