he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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