i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize