she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Can vaginas get frostbite?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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