I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
