I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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