last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
