And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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