Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
