I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
