I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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