oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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