so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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