I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
