please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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