Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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