: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I can't turn off my feet"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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