do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
