sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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